Published: 5/13/2025

To the One doing the hard and holy work,

Have you ever felt like your child pushes back against everything you ask—even when the request is simple or even fun?

This is often the lived experience of families raising highly sensitive children, children on the autism spectrum, or children who’ve assumed the alpha role due to an insecure attachment. These children may experience what has traditionally been labeled Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA)—though many of us prefer a more compassionate and empowering term: a Pervasive Drive for Autonomy.

These are children who don’t just dislike being told what to do—they can’t tolerate it when it feels imposed. Their nervous systems interpret even mild demands as threats to their autonomy and safety.

✨Children with a Pervasive Drive for Autonomy aren’t trying to control you—they’re trying to protect themselves.✨

Their nervous systems may interpret even gentle expectations as a threat, leading to:

• Avoidance or shutdown
• Humor or distraction as coping
• Explosive reactions to perceived pressure

Dr. Gordon Neufeld calls this instinctive resistance counterwill—a protective impulse that arises when a child feels disconnected, coerced, or unsafe. In PDA, this instinct is dialed up to maximum.

As developmental psychologist Dr. Gordon Neufeld explains, counterwill is a natural response to feeling coerced. When emotional safety is lacking, this resistance intensifies.

Why Traditional Discipline Fails

Reward charts, time-outs, and firm boundaries often escalate distress in these children. Why? Because they reinforce a power dynamic that feels unsafe.

Instead, we need to shift from demanding compliance to cultivating connection.

The Parenting Pendulum

And here’s where it gets deeply human:

When we’re unsure or overwhelmed, many of us swing between being passive (over-accommodating) or punitive (over-controlling).

But both extremes can signal unsafety to a child’s nervous system.

The goal isn’t perfection

The goal is to be positively present—anchored in warmth, clarity, and connection.

What we want to aim for is positive, present leadership—that sweet spot where warmth meets clarity, and connection comes before correction.

What Actually Helps?

• Build connection before making requests
• Use non-directive, invitational language
• Offer choices to support agency
• Reduce pressure—avoid “now or never” phrasing
• Co-regulate before expecting emotional control
• Stay curious and soft, not forceful

Closing Thought

Children with a Pervasive Drive for Autonomy don’t need more control.

They need trust, tenderness, and emotional safety.

When we shift the focus from behavior to belonging, everything begins to change.

When they feel safe, they soften.

When they feel seen, they settle.

You are not spoiling them by making space for their needs.

You are showing them that love can hold even the hardest moments.

With reverence for your journey,

♡ Lelia

Synergy Parenting

ꕥ Empowering parents. Healing generations. ꕥ

P.S. I’ve created a visual carousel on Instagram that brings this message to life.

[Visit me on Instagram → @synergy.parenting]