Published: 10/9/2025

Dear Parent ♡

One of the most powerful truths in parenting is this:

When a child feels connected to us, they feel better about themselves.

And a close second, they become more cooperative.

Connection is not a reward for good behaviour.

It’s the soil that makes growth possible.

But here’s an important distinction: children can feel the difference between connection that is genuine and connection that is goal-oriented.

If we play, listen, and show interest in them only so they’ll cooperate, their intuition will sense that.

Just as in any adult relationship, if someone gives us attention or affection only to get something in return, it feels manipulative… and our natural resistance rises.

Dr. Otto Rank and later Gordon Neufeld coined the term “counterwill” to describe the instinctive pushback we feel when we sense someone, even gently, trying to control or coerce us.

It’s not defiance; it’s a built-in protection of autonomy.

That’s why connection must be sincere, rooted in care rather than strategy.

When our warmth and attention are offered without strings attached, a child’s nervous system begins to rest.

And from that place of rest and safety, cooperation begins to flow instead of being forced.

We tend to see counterwill more often in our deeply feeling, highly sensitive, or strong-willed children – what I like to call our integrity kids.

These are the ones who feel the world more deeply, notice inconsistencies more quickly, and intuit what’s really going on beneath our words.

Sometimes what looks like opposition is really intuition; a child sensing when our motives are mixed or when our energy isn’t congruent.

For these children, the world can feel louder, faster, or less steady simply because they experience more.

Their resistance isn’t rebellion; it’s a sign of sensitivity and depth.

And with time, maturity, and continued safety, these very sensitivities often become their greatest gifts… empathy, discernment, creativity, and integrity.

Below are eleven gentle, real-life ways to keep deepening connection…

not to get compliance, but to grow relationship.

Because real cooperation is an overflow of genuine connection.

🌿 1. Let Them Lead the Way

On a walk or errand, let your child choose where to go next or what music to play.

💬 “You pick our next stop – I trust your lead.”

This small act restores their sense of agency and shows you value their ideas.

🍃 2. Shared Creative Projects

Build, paint, or plant something together. Let them choose a colour, material, or task.

Collaboration rewires both nervous systems for teamwork and belonging.

💫 3. Attachment Play & Rituals

Play that invites laughter or lets your child “win” dissolves power struggles.

Try a short, daily ritual… a silly dance, tickle chase, or evening game that says, you matter to me beyond your behaviour.

🌙 4. Bedtime Check-Ins

Ask, “What was your best and hardest moment today?”

This slow pause lets emotions land and tells them you care about their inner world.

🧁 5. Create Dependence Moments

Plan small adventures that require your guidance – nature walks, baking, building something together.

💬 “Let’s go exploring. I’ll show you a secret path!”

These moments re-teach the body how safe it feels to depend on you.

💻 6. Tech Together

Co-play a game, watch a show side by side, or explore a video they love.

Connection grows when we enter their world instead of pulling them out of it.

🌻 7. Helping Side by Side

Volunteer together – water plants at a park, bring a meal to someone, tidy a beach.

Acts of care weave empathy, purpose, and shared pride.

💬 8. Mirror & Reflect Feelings

When your child expresses a big feeling, reflect it back gently.

💬 “That looks so frustrating.”

This helps their brain integrate emotion through your calm presence.

🚗 9. Micro-Adventures

Take a surprise detour. Visit a new path, café, or hidden beach.

Novelty opens curiosity… and curiosity is connection’s playground.

🤲 10. Touch & Transition Rituals

Create simple rituals of touch – a hug, a high-five, a secret handshake.

These moments of warmth turn ordinary transitions into anchors of safety.

✨ 11. Shared Stories

Tell or invent stories together. You start a sentence, they continue it.

Stories are the language of the heart, and connection grows in that shared imagination.

These aren’t grand gestures.

They’re small, consistent moments that say: You’re safe with me. You belong with me.

💚 And in that safety, both cooperation and self-worth can bloom… in their own time, in their own way.

With love and presence,

Lelia Schott