Published: Invalid Date

Dear Reader,

I still remember how my third and fourth child as tweens would fight over the front passenger seat in the car. They’d yell and push and trick one another every day! My heart pounded with frustration and guilt – Why are they always fighting? Is it my fault? In that moment, it felt like I had failed them. But later, when I calmed down, I realized their battle over the front seat wasn’t really about the car ride at all. It was about feeling seen and secure. It was about wanting status and routine too. My older child had been needing one-on-one time with me, and my younger was asserting “I matter too!”Sibling rivalry, I’ve learned, is more than surface conflict. It’s an emotional signal, a child’s way of saying “See me, hear me, don’t forget about me!” beneath the shouting.

Once we settled on which days each of them sat in the front the fight stopped but it started in other areas for a few months.

✨More Than a Squabble: What’s Really Going On?

Sibling fights can look ridiculous on the surface (“She breathed on my side of the couch!”), but under the petty details often lie big feelings. Developmental experts note that a child may perceive a sibling as an existential threat to their place in your heart . Dr. Gordon Neufeld, a developmental psychologist, even calls adapting to a sibling “one of life’s most important challenges” for a child . Why? Young children simply don’t grasp that love isn’t a limited resource. In their mind, if Mommy or Daddy is giving attention to sister, it must mean less attention for them. No wonder the arrival of a new baby can spark panic in an older child – “Why else would my parents have gotten a newer, younger model?” as Dr. Laura Markham puts it wryly . Sibling rivalry is often rooted in that primal fear of being replaced or not feeling loved enough .

And yet, jealousy about sharing parental love is only one piece of the puzzle. Kids fight for many reasons, including sheer frustration and developmental immaturity. Dr. Deborah MacNamara explains that “when kids fight, they are ultimately fueled by frustration, the emotion of change that wants something to stop or to be different” . Maybe your toddler is overwhelmed by a sibling grabbing their toy, or your older child is annoyed by a younger one’s constant tagging along. Young children, especially under age 5 or so, also lack impulse control and empathy. The result? Fierce “territorial battles” over “Mine!” erupt because little ones aren’t yet capable of taking another’s perspective or sharing consistently . A preschooler might lash out simply because a sibling looked at them the “wrong” way – their big feelings easily overflow into hitting or yelling since they don’t yet have the words or emotional brakes to stop themselves.

Children (even older ones) also tend to dump their stress on those closest to them. Dr. Gabor Maté notes it’s common for a child who had a rough day (full of frustrations or hurts) to take it out on a more vulnerable target – often a younger sibling . In other words, siblings project their upsets onto each other because a brother or sister is a safe (if inconvenient) emotional punching bag. While it’s not fair, it is human. Even adults sometimes snap at a loved one after a hard day. Our kids are still learning to handle those big emotions.

Finally, personality and family roles play a part. Siblings may clash simply because one is more sensitive or they both want to be “the leader.” They might bicker over who gets to sit next to Dad, or who is “better” at drawing. All these tiny competitions feed a cycle of rivalry. And if we inadvertently compare our kids (“Why can’t you clean up like your brother?”) or assign labels (“She’s the athletic one, you’re the smart one”), we can intensify that competition without meaning to. (More on that below.) The key is recognizing that sibling conflict is natural – in fact, “the only way to truly avoid sibling conflict is to only have one child,” as Dr. MacNamara quips . Conflict comes with the territory of raising multiple little humans; it’s part of how they learn to exist together with different needs and feelings. Our goal isn’t to eliminate all squabbles (impossible!), but to guide these raw interactions into opportunities for growth and connection.

✨The Parent Perspective: Triggers and Family Systems

If you’ve ever felt your blood pressure spike the minute the kids start fighting, you’re not alone. Sibling rivalry doesn’t just stir up our kids’ emotions – it yanks on ours too. In fact, “it’s in the nature of sibling conflict to bring out the deepest anxieties and least adaptive responses in the parent,” observes Dr. Maté . Their screaming match in the backseat might trigger a panicked part of you that thinks, “Oh no, I’m failing as a parent!” or maybe an angry part that wants to shout “Knock it off, now!” According to Family Systems Theory, none of us exists in a vacuum – the family is an interconnected emotional system, like a mobile where one piece shifting sends all the others swaying . Our children’s relationship is profoundly influenced by the overall family atmosphere. If we parents are stressed, distracted, or unknowingly encouraging competition, the kids will absorb that energy and mirror it in their interactions. Conversely, a home where each child feels secure and cherished for who they are sets the stage for more harmony. Research shows that “emotionally secure caregiver–child relationships” tend to foster more trusting, positive sibling bonds, whereas insecurity or inconsistency from parents can lead to more “conflictual” sibling relationships . In short, when we work on staying emotionally available and supportive to each child (even when they’re driving us up the wall), we’re actually shaping the sibling dynamic for the better.

This is where a little self-compassion and reflection come in. Internal Family Systems (IFS) theory reminds us that we each have many sides (or “parts”) inside us. You might have a calm, problem-solving parent part – and also a furious, triggered part that appears when the kids start yet another fight at bedtime. It’s normal! Take a breath when you feel yourself getting hijacked by anger or panic. Acknowledge that inner voice: “Wow, a part of me is really scared things are out of control right now.” By noticing our own triggers, we can keep them from running the show. Then our wiser self – the compassionate leader in us – can step forward. When we respond from that calmer place, we model exactly what we want our kids to learn: how to stay centered amid conflict. Remember, our children are sensitive to our emotional states. If we can find a way to ground ourselves (through a mental pause, a deep breath, a silent self-reminder that “they’re kids and they need my help, not my wrath”), we become that steadying presence they count on in the storm. We are the adults, and we set the tone for the whole family system.

✨Strategies to Reduce Rivalry and Foster Connection

Okay – let’s get practical. How can we as parents reduce the frequency and ferocity of sibling fights, and turn those inevitable conflicts into chances for closeness? Here are five parent-centered strategies, drawn from experts and experience:

1. Take the Lead (Don’t Leave Them to “Fight it Out”) – Our presence is the first tool for peace. Instead of ignoring the kids’ fights or yelling from the other room, step in calmly when things are escalating. Children need to see that their parent is a confident leader who will protect and guide them through difficult moments. If we consistently fail to intervene, kids can feel unsafe or even emotionally wounded . So, be the adult: get between them if necessary, speak in a calm but firm voice, and stop any hitting or name-calling. Importantly, do this without jumping to immediate blame or harsh punishment. Think of yourself as a coach, not a judge. Your job is to stabilize the situation and assure each child that you’re there to help. Dr. Neufeld advises against leaving young kids to “work it out” by themselves – they simply don’t yet have the maturity or conflict resolution skills . By intervening with warmth and authority (“I hear you’re both upset – I’m here to help”), you show them that you’ve got their back. Over time, this builds trust: they know you won’t let them hurt each other, and they don’t have to escalate to get your attention.

2. Empathize with Each Child (No Favorites, No Villains) – When sibling clashes happen, resist the urge to immediately figure out “who started it” or to declare a victor and a culprit. Coming in as the referee who doles out blame only fuels resentment. Instead, focus on feelings first. As Dr. Laura Markham suggests, acknowledge each child’s perspective in the conflict . You might say, “You’re angry because your sister yelled at you, and you’re upset because he pushed you.” This simple mirroring of each side shows both children that you understand their frustration. You’re not taking sides; you’re validating that they each have a reason to be upset. (In truth, in almost every fight both believe they have a legitimate grievance.) Once they feel heard, their defensiveness and anger often dial down a notch. Keep your tone neutral and compassionate, as if you’re describing the weather. After reflecting their feelings, set any necessary limits: “I see you’re mad, but I won’t let you hit. We need to find a solution without hurting.” By doing this, you separate the emotion from the behavior – communicating that it’s OK to feel mad/sad/jealous, but not OK to hurt each other. This approach, championed by experts like Dr. Markham and Dr. MacNamara, preserves your relationship with each child (neither feels like the “bad kid” in your eyes) and teaches them emotional intelligence in the moment . Over time, kids internalize this: they learn to put feelings into words instead of fists.

3. Avoid Comparisons and Labels – Nothing inflames sibling rivalry like the sense that “Mom/Dad thinks one of us is better.” It’s a big no-no to say things like, “Why can’t you be neat like your brother?” or “Your sister behaves, what’s wrong with you?” Even positive comparisons (“She’s the artistic one, you’re the athletic one”) can backfire, boxing children into roles and seeding insecurity. As Dr. Markham warns, when a parent compares siblings, “what [the child] hears is that his sister is better and you love her more.” Ouch! To a child, any implication that they’re less loved or less valued than their sibling is devastating – and it will likely show up as more acting out toward that sibling. So, commit to never pitting your kids against each other in words or tone. Instead of comparing, acknowledge each child’s unique strengths and struggles individually. For example, if one child is having a hard time with homework, resist saying “Your brother gets A’s in math, why can’t you?” and instead focus on thatchild: “I see you’re finding math tough; I’ll help you, I believe in you.” Family rule: everyone is appreciated for their own self, never in reference to a sibling. This helps your kids feel securely loved for who they are, reducing the urge to compete for your approval.

4. Fill Their Attachment Tanks (Special Time) – Sibling rivalry often spikes when a child’s need for connection with a parent is running on empty. A wise saying goes, “Children who feel right, act right.” One of the most effective rivalry reducers is making sure each of your kids regularly gets some one-on-one “special time” with you. It could be as simple as 15 minutes of undivided attention at bedtime, a weekly short “date” with each child, or inviting one child to run errands with you while the other stays with your partner. These moments send a powerful message: You don’t have to fight for my attention – you already have it. When a child feels seen, heard, and valued by Mom or Dad on a daily basis, their jealousy toward their sibling diminishes. They’re less likely to feel that nagging fear of not being loved that drives so much rivalry. In fact, research supports this: “Emotionally secure” relationships with parents tend to result in more trusting and close relationships between siblings . So, proactively pour love into each child’s bucket in the ways they accept it best (hugs, listening, playing their favorite game, etc.). Also, notice and praise the good in each child when they’re not fighting: “I love how you shared your crayons with your sister – that was kind.”Positive attention for cooperative behavior is like sunshine; it helps the sibling bond grow stronger, leaving less room for weeds of rivalry.

5. Foster Teamwork and Empathy – Help your kids see each other as teammates, not competitors. Siblings who have fun together and rely on each other for something positive will naturally fight less. You can play “matchmaker” as a parent: intentionally create family activities or projects that put the siblings on the same side. Maybe they team up to bake cookies with you, or you set up a treasure hunt where they must cooperate to succeed. Even getting them laughing together over a silly game can erase tension in a given moment. Point out their common interests (“You both love drawing Pokémon, maybe you can each create a character and make a story together!”) or mutual benefits (“If you two clean up together, it’ll be done in five minutes and we can all watch a movie”). According to Dr. MacNamara and other experts, if you can activate their sense of belonging and loyalty to each other, rivalry fades. For instance, enlist your older child as a “big helper” with the younger – perhaps ask them to teach the little one a skill they’ve mastered or let them be in charge of reading the bedtime story to their sibling. Often an older sibling pines for responsibility and significance. When an older child is in the position of helper or teacher, it tends to “move them out of competing and into the position of caring.” They start to identify as a protector or mentor, which is the healthy flip side of rivalry. Likewise, encourage the younger one to express admiration for the older (“Wow, you built that Lego tower so high!”) so the older feels valued, not just burdened. As parents, we can also model empathy out loud: “Your brother is upset right now, let’s see how we can help him,”teaching the idea that family takes care of each other. Over time, with gentle guidance, siblings can learn to solve more conflicts on their own and even become each other’s support. Our home can shift from a battlefield into a training ground for relationships, where kids learn empathy, negotiation, and forgiveness – skills that will serve them for life.

✨Closing Thoughts

At the end of the day, remember that sibling rivalry is normal – it does not mean you’ve failed or that your kids will hate each other forever. In fact, if handled with care, those squabbles can be the very experiences that teach your children how to love, share, and stand up for themselves in safe ways. As Dr. Neufeld reassures, conflict between siblings is “actually a great opportunity” for coaching kids in “reason, boundaries, problem-solving and compassion.” In our family, we haven’t eliminated fighting (realistically, that’s not the goal), but we’ve seen our kids gradually become more gentle with each other, and more quick to make up after a clash. There are days they still drive each other (and us!) crazy, but there are also sweet moments of sibling love that blossom unexpectedly – a whispered apology, a hug goodnight, an offer to share a treat. Those moments make all the effort worth it.

If you’re struggling with your kids’ fighting, you’re not alone. Many of us have been there (I certainly have!). With patience, empathy, and some proactive strategies, you can lower the rivalry temperature in your home. Your children will slowly learn that being sisters or brothers isn’t about who’s better or who’s “winning” – it’s about having a built-in friend (and sometimes foe!) whom you can trust and grow with. And you’ll find that the very same conflicts that once drove you to the brink can become chances to deepen your connection with each child. You’re teaching them one of life’s most important lessons: how to care for someone even when you’re angry at them. That’s powerful stuff.

Thank you for reading this far and for all the heart you put into parenting. You’ve got this. And if you’d like more support or just a listening ear, I’m here for you.

👉 Invitation: Join Our Sibling Rivalry Small Group (Zoom) – I’d love to invite you to a 1.5-hour Zoom small group session I’m hosting, all about navigating sibling rivalry. It will be a warm, judgement-free space where we’ll dive deeper into these strategies and you can bring your questions (Q&A encouraged!). Sometimes talking through specific scenarios with other understanding parents can make all the difference. If you’re interested in joining this live discussion and coaching session, contact admin@leliaschott.com. Spaces will be kept small so we can interact intimately. I hope to see you there and work together in real time on turning those sibling storms into calmer skies.

Warmly,

Lelia

Synergy Parenting